what the...it's already tuesday!?

sigh. the weather is cold. hate it. makes me sleepy! had my lecture today, project meeting, arranged for more project meetings...dozed off in lec...sian this whole entire sem feels like shit.

Judgements under stress? hmmm.


went past uni-hall yesterday, and was admiring this office that has floor to ceiling glass windows. nicely decorated, very ikea. But very erm...zooification! hehe everybody from outside can see what u're doing inside.

Been feelin a little down in my quiet moments, when i've been spending too much time in my head thinking bout stuff. for one thing, i've been feeling quite overwhelmed by school this semester, it seems like everyone suddenly decided to MUG for everything so early from finals and i'm still doing my projects. i'm not feeling in my prime right now, both emotionally physically and scholastically (heh).

some old memories have been dredged up earlier today. today is the day that makes it a month that i am single officially. unofficially, it's been longer. so, how long is long enough? hmm. been talking to a friend lately, she was asking me how is it that i manage to be happy and smiling all the time, and cheerful and all.

i just said...
well, its because i've been mourning even before it became official. i was crying before we stopped talking. it's never about losing the love, its more of the losing of the importance. when what made us US was the friendship we shared, when he made the decisions he did, i felt betrayed and we lost the friendship, and hence we lost our foundation. It's no ones fault. i should've been more understanding, more willing to give him his room his space and so on, and he should've made me a bigger part of his decision making process. So it's no one's fault, we all have to deal. i'm not special in anyway. i felt sad that i couldnt do the things we used to do anymore, together. even the simple stuff like shopping for groceries, or taking the bus. the memories we had, the time we spent together, cannot be replaced by someone else, so in that way, we keep the memories, becuz in that way, the memories are special. i wept i starved i had sleepless nights too. Sometimes i'm struck by how overwhelming it all is, how uncertain everything is, that i feel breathless and wanting to drop everything and run far away. I wanted to drink i wanted to smoke i wanted to hurt myself i wanted to leave the country...just go somewhere do something just feel like you're getting to a pt that is AWAY from here. i was so distraught i crossed roads without looking because i was too distracted. and it's a process, we will all go thru it, and hey, wont die without that man in your life. it's just that life will be different thats all. i never knew i would be so ok with things, to get by day by day so seemingly resilient inspite of it all, but i think its because i was mentally prepared. i did love him. but now i just loved the idea of him. that's all, because it just died with us, and in me, even though i didnt want it to.

for a while, i had it perfect. I dont know if i will have in perfect again in the future, maybe i will maybe i wont. but i am just grateful, to have it perfect for once. hmm.

gillian, surprises of surprises, didnt know that he was my first boyfriend. *faints* so hey. my first breakup, care to tell me, is it normal to feel bad that he's feeling bad? i wasnt the one that left, but i don't want it all back...but i feel bad that he's feeling bad all the same. am i abnormal?!? i feel like msging him and telling him, to pick himself up and move on. no use dwelling on things anymore, and he should focus on studies and all. everything will be ok in the end. but the kindest thing i can do, is to not msg, and let him ride it out.

I've always said to the people, that in life you must have hope. if not what is living for? life as it is, sucks like hell, so the only thing we can do about it is to hope for the best. sad also no pt, right? pick yourself up and move on, because no one else would do it for you. but doesnt mean, you cant do it for other people. loving others sometimes helps u to love yourself. if u get what i mean. so oh well, i remain hopeful for better things, and i hope my friends will too. we should bouy each other. bleah.

ive been feeling abit perplexed though don't really feel like articulating any more than this. just cant choose the words. maybe with the right questions i will figure out how to talk about it.

and to top it all off...to make me even more pek cek...

i havent shit-ted yet today. ARRGGGGH.


Gin Blossoms sang

"How can I find something
That two can take
Without stumbling as we
Walk into our future's wake
I'm like a broken record
That you can play
Repeating as if it matters
Everything I want to say
I'll be all right
As long as it matters
As long as you're here with me now
Forget that time
It's nothing we touch and see
All this is fine
Even as it crashes down on me
I'm looking around
There's nothing that I could want
More than to tell you
There's no more than we've already got
I'll be all right
As long as it matters
As long as you're here with me now...
Forget that our time is almost up I'll be all right..."