a touch of melodrama

The day is ending. i am restless. grouchy. grumpy. whichever. sick, so can't go out. exams, so can't play. and so the mind wanders and i'm feeling a tad self destructive.

we all want it perfect. how often do we get it perfect. u know how pple say they never want to be like their parents?

i think i'd be so lucky if i could be like my parents, and have what they have.

they have each other. right now as i'm typing, they're outside watching sister act after having gone out for dinner together, and laughing infront of the tele.

in their graying years, they are happy and laughing together. they bicker, they argue, but they're there for each other in spite of it all. i want that for myself next time. can i have it please?

their marraige wasnt perfect. i'm not saying they are happy all of the time. i'm not even certain there was 100% fidelity throught the 28 years of marraige. i think my mum was always there, it's only in the later years that my dad got more loving to her and the family.

but there's peace.


and behold the shocker.


i secretly (guess not so secretly now) harbour a wish to have kids someday. though i still cant imagine BEING a mother, and having some monster call me "MAAAA" buttt somehow the yen to start my own family is rooted in me, and probably some thing my parents kinda transplanted into me growing up as the thing to do:

grow up. find the man. get married. have kids.

but find the man (hello, already failure in the second step of the process lor), get married, have the kids............will u have the peace? wha lao, this is not a through-train to peace man.

how many people do i have to cut out of my life, and how many more heartbreaks do i have to face? can my heart take it? can my soul take it? can my MIND take it?

i feel messed up and detached.

and so this book by Nick Hornby comes to mind - How to Be Good.

and i think i live life constantly asking that question and trying to answer it. How to Be Good, and trying to BE good. i'm constantly trying to do the RIGHT thing and the BEST thing. f***, i'm just plagued with this incredible sense of morality, something i guess that was drummed into me by my parents, of the right thing to do.

and so when i do something, that goes beyond my sense of morality, or in some cases to be more specific decency, i struggle with it to the point of freaking out. I was never good at dealing with it initially, i even struggled with something like hugging in public a year ago, to the point that when i freak out and break into an argument and upon hearing the words that come out of my mouth....it just got nonsensical.

"my parents didnt bring me up this way!!!!"

"?!?!??!?!!?"

and face it. i'm not the most indecent person around, but neither am i an angel. i'm just a big mess of contrasts, i'm terribly shy but i tell the bawdiest jokes.

And at the times where my comfortzone of decency/morality are breached, i freak out, because, a loud hailer just goes off in my mind "your parents didnt bring you up to be this way".

so how did my parents bring me up to be?

i want the commitment but fear commitment. makes sense? i don't know. but i do know, when i commit, i give my all and i stand by the person/task/projectwhatever inspite of all kinds of shit that can happen that even I would think is terribly wrong. but sadly, when you give your all, you just sink like a ship when the commitment goes no where. it's like the saying, you put all your eggs in one basket. and there's an SM streak in me somewhere, because on some level i love the commitment too, i guess its because i want what my parents have.

i want the peace dammit. why isnt there a checklist for these things? just tickticktick and hey hello u're the one.

Sheryl Crow sings Home
"I woke up this morning
Now I understand
What it means to give your life
To just one man
Afraid of feeling nothing
No bees or butterflies
My head is full of voices
And my house is full of lies

This is home, home
And this is home, home
This is home

I found your standing there
When I was seventeen
Now I'm thirty-two
And I can't remember what I'd seen in you
I made a promise
Said it everyday
Now I'm reading romance novels
And I'm dreaming of yesterday

I'd like to see the Riviera
And slowdance underneath the stars
I'd like to watch the sun come up
In a stranger's arms

I'm going crazy
A little at a time
And everything I wanted
Is now driving me away
I woke this morning
To the sound of beating hearts
Mine is full of questions
And it's tearing yours apart..."