2am

"...I lie in an early bed, thinking late thoughts. Waiting for the black to replace my blue."
- Fiona Apple, The First Taste

sitting in the living room now, watching sparkie roll and rub his face on a rub. he just got shaven today by my sis, so now he kinda looks like a rat, less like a rabbit, more like a jack russell. would post pics, but i'm kinda lazy.

in a down right lethargic mode today, woke up early made a call and went back to sleep, woke up and ate and went back to sleep etc etc etc

and well i'm sitting in the living room now, at 2am typing a blog entry, simply because my dad is in my room using the PC and grumbling.

i just completed my 3rd jeffery deaver novel - The devil's tear drop. he's more well known for his book the bone collecter which was adapted into a movie of the same name.

so one sits and wonders, at 2am, bout the year gone by. results for this semester from my latest bout of examinations will be out this wednesday, and already i'm having the sick to the stomach feeling brought about by the anxiety of the wait. it's been a real crappy sem, attending lectures in tears and such, rushing project deadlines well into the exam season, lack of drive to mug for the exams. it's my second last sem, and coming up my final sem, and well, i guess i wont be doing honours so i cannot prolong the avoiding-entry-into-adult-world.

i do not know what i want to do, still. but i figure i wish to be a lab tech, but lack the technical experience. i decided that i lack the conviction to actually take up the research project, lack the courage to go it alone. and lack the time to psych myself up to it. so i'm doing the cowardly thing and sitting it out, and i know upon graduation i will curse my tardiness for applying earlier and settling all the administrative issues and stuff so that i would apply for the project in the first place.

i'm still at a loss, as to what i wanna do in my life.

when i was a kid, i wanted to be a writer and u know, write novels. but then again, i ramble, i do not plan my stories and i write my essays off the cuff. and then i wanted to be a, if u can believe it, a police officer! because it seemed so fun running around playing cops and robbers. as i got older, i wanted to be a marine biologist, but that was gradually replaced by the longest dream of wanting to be a veterinarian - and that dream lasted all the way to jc.

alas i lacked the brains, didnt score well enough for entry into vet-school or to score a scholarship to vet school. and didnt have the money to buy my way into a school that can be bought into, so i took the second choice of studying biology.

and now that i'm in my third year of biology, i'm not sure if i'm cut out for it. i enjoy the lab work, but find the amount of information that has t be subjected to memory pure torture. there was much more passion dealing with the organism, rather than the basic components of cells/dna/proteins of the organism. i found myself scoring better for arts modules and abysmally in science modules. but i still found science more interesting, tho i just don't know what to make myself of, from it.

i like teaching, i guess, but just don't think it's worth the money with the kind of stress they put you through with all the admin work and such. perhaps i would like to be a lecturer one day, so i need the technical experience, so i guess being a lab tech would help in the big plan.

other than that, i could do marketing and sales for biologicals. i guess i always had a knack for selling, tho i never enjoyed it. and i think my self-confidence aint good enough for sales in the long run hmmmzmzmzmz..

why does it seem like i have a knack for things i don't enjoy? hahaha.

and so summarises my semester, my past aspirations, my shady future and my confusion as to what to do upon graduation.

i guess i've strayed from the topic of "summary of 2005". but i guess i'll leave that for another day.

g'night world.