mellow

i went out for breakfast with the parents today, and they made a surprise detour to the grandparent's niche (paternal and maternal) to put up some flowers and pay respect.

i'm not very close to my grandparents, and if anything, i am closer to the maternal side than the paternal side. my dad was at his mum's niche arranging the flowers and i think talking to her etc and my mum doing likewise at her parent's side. dad suddenly called me over and said "say something to your grandma" and walked off living me there staring at a marble tablet.

just what can i say? hi mama trina, happy new year. i couldnt bring myself to speak outloud to a stone wall, strangely feeling self conscious whilst being surrounded by the dead. i never had much to say to her even when she was alive, and only saw her once a year. so i said it silently in my head but was still unable to escape the awkward silence that followed. shuffled my feet a little, and walked over the the maternal side and my mum was clearing stuff there too. i just kept quiet for most of the time there, because i don't really know what to say, and i was feelin a little sad too, and sometimes talking makes it harder to control the sadness.

funny how i feel sad, they've already been gone for 5 years, and i was never very close to them. i think i feel sad because my parents still feel very sad. and everyone is reminded of their mortality on these trips.

so to gong gong, mama loyang, and mama trina,

happy new year.